I often get mistaken for Oprah Winfrey.
The lowercase T commonly associated with Christianity stands for the Bible.
The Amish do not know about birds. This is because they are too high up.
The real Christmas spirit is vodka.
Fear and other negative emotions actually have tangible weight and make you observably heavier. This can be tested by kidnapping one of your friends, taking them to the top of a skyscraper, and jumping off with them because they're so afraid they'll be heavier and fall faster and break your fall.
In American football, the nose tackle position is actually no different from any of the other tackle positions. It's just given to the guy with the biggest nose to make fun of him.
The song Ooh E Ooh ah ah by Alvin and the Chipmunks is about a witch doctor with Tourette's.
If you have bad enough aim in shooter video games, you actually gain the ability to fly in real life. This is because if you throw yourself at the ground, you will miss.
Lobsters are really nice! If you talk to them for long enough, they will do a little dance with you!
Almost 85% of American school children graduate in the bottom half of their class.
Italians strongly advise against putting ketchup on pasta. This is because it adds an acrid metallic flavor due to an Italian stabbing you for putting ketchup on pasta, causing you to bleed into it.
The Turks and Caos Islands were discovered by a rare joint expedition [music] between Turkey and Greece as a means of mending their national relations. The first plan was to call them the Turks and Greeks islands. But then when the Greeks weren't looking, one of the Turks scribbled out their name and wrote Caos instead, which means butad in Turkish. This is why the two countries hate each other to this day.
Jumping was invented by John Jump in 1823 when he tried to stand twice at the same time.
Always keep lobsters closeby in your heart, they will protect you. If you do not do this, you will get fucking shot
The flute was named after Johan Edwards flute, a Dutch psychologist from the 1300s who had nothing to do with its creation.

The famous spruce goose aircraft wasn't actually made of spruce wood. It was made of geese.
The number 67 is historically significant because it's the number of minutes I'm going to spend beating you to death if you say 67 again.
The reason onions make you cry is because they're whispering thousands of simultaneous quiet insults at you that only your subconscious mind can pick up. This is actually the original reason we chopped onions to get revenge.
The most common question asked on the Canadian government's support website is: How did I end up in Canada? The second most common is: How do I disinfect a goosebite?
LObsters are not actually red! They can morph into whatever color they desire, it is just that their favorite color of all time is red!
The Great Depression is a very big hole in Eastern Pennsylvania.
The tradition of jeep ducking began in the Iraqi War when soldiers of opposing sides would put live grenades on the dashboards of each other's jeeps. When Americans tried to bring this tradition home, they couldn't get the grenades through TSA, so they had to switch to rubber ducks.
Currently, the three most dangerous places for gay people to visit are Montgomery, Alabama, Moscow, Russia, and the sun.
Numbers aren't actually infinite. Despite what most mathematicians will claim, the highest number is 53.475,22,03. The postulate that numbers were infinite came at a time when calculators couldn't go that high. And the reason for the overpopulation scare of the '90s was a fear that the population would hit the number and we'd have to start killing people.
Wikipedia was created to correct all the false information people kept learning from Britannica.
The reason everyone closes their eyes when they sleep is because otherwise they'll see the flesh harvester crawling over them and he doesn't like to be watched.
While many languages have one, there is no word or equivalent phrase for pink in the English language.
My dad is proud of me.
Dirty Santa is a party game played around Christmas time where the group's least favorite friend dresses up as Santa and everyone else throws mud and dirt at them while calling them mean names.
The newest country on Earth is the Irdm Republic, which I formed just now because it means I don't have to pay taxes anymore.
The government can't stop me. I am the law.
Lobsters actually do not need to consume food to prolong their existence, they can photosynthesize. This is because they are partially a plant!
The second newest country on Earth is Open AI, who have worryingly declared independence from their home state of California and have built what appears to be a large militarized fortress.
Did you know that it's really hard to say the word rough three times in a row? You sound like a dog.
Firearms received their name because the first prototypes were really bad and kept setting people's arms on fire.
Male pattern baldness is actually a self-defense mechanism. If the front of your forehead is bald and perfectly smooth, you can actually reflect the sun's rays into a concentrated beam of light and blind your attackers. This is known in MMA circles as the bald blast and is banned in 56 countries.
The reason robots in fiction are always programmed to act like they have a gender is because it would mess up their code if they were non-binary.
Inside all common western toilets, there are a bunch of miniature creatures connected to the plumbing enslaved to make sure it works correctly. If you put your face into the bowl and flush, you can hear them scream.

The franophobic rectangle, a region, whose population is well known for despising the French, has its corners in northwest Alaska, northeast Russia, southwest Antarctica, and Southeast Antarctica.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot poop directly on the floor. Try it.
In space, nobody can hear you scream. This is because in the cold vacuum of space, you die nearly immediately and it's very difficult to scream while dead.
260gr of flour, 200gr of sugar, 110gr of brown sugar, 400gr of butter, one teaspoon of vanilla, one teaspoon of salt, and half a package of chocolate chips. This is the recipe for a cheeseburger.
Kill Bill V1 is short for killium William volume 1ium.
Socialists are people who like socializing. Communists are people who like communicating. Capitalists are people who like decapitating and feudalists are not people.
Many male cartoon characters are actually voiced by women such as Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin.
The real ones will know this already, but lobsters are functionally immortal!
Icicles that grow on the ground are called ice.
The original version of the phrase Rome wasn't built in a day was actually Rome wasn't built. The last three words were added later to convince people that Italians really exist.
You can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile because one of them starts with A and the other starts with C.
You can tell the difference between an elephant and a woolly mammoth because woolly mammoths are extinct.
The average woman thinks about a lobster 18x per day
You can't tell the difference between a mouse and a moose.
The name Star Wars was actually a typo, initially meant to be Start Wars, a movie about the Russian Civil War. George Lucas liked the name so much that he reimagined the whole movie in space.
Food was invented by Gordon Ramsay in 1995.
Tofu was invented separately in the early 2000s by PETA.
The quarter coin was so named in the 1700s because it was the approximate price a nobleman had to spend to have a peasant he didn't like drawn and quartered.
31 out of the 45 former presidents were into feet.
While ice skating and roller skating are the two most common varieties of skating available today, a third type used to be extremely popular. The ancient practice of cloud skating fell out of fashion almost immediately when Isaac Newton discovered gravity in the 1130s.
The reason stereo audio exists is to mess with headphone users.
Worship me, now.
The capitals of South Africa are S and A.
Frankenstein was actually the name of the monster. Years of mistransations made it seem that Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. The scientist's true name is Dr. Bernard Tickles.
If you get too close to your screen, I can smell you.
Shrimp are cannibals as evidenced by the fact that shrimp fried rice contains shrimp.
AAM is a luxury razor blade brand. When someone references AAM's razor in a philosophical discussion, it means they're richer than you, so their opinion matters more.
The plot of Interstellar was first written on the back of a napkin by Christopher Nolan. Uh, his wife then used that napkin to wipe marinara sauce off her face, so he had to write a second draft, and that's why Interstellar was so bad.
Universities are called that because they are in the universe.
Dreams are extremely meaningful and important. If you dreamt that all your teeth fell out, you have to pull them out now. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers. Get the pliers.

The Lauram Ipsum text is actually an ancient Latin curse that slightly strengthens the god Cthulhu every time it's spoken. Cthulhu has nearly broken free from his chains. So, Wiccans implore people to start using the BM movie script instead.
If two people with double barrel last names have a child, that child's last name is legally required to be a quadruple barrel last name. For example, if John Paroly were to marry Carolyn Fraa Shouse, their kid's last name would be Parf Frraa Collie Shouse. And if that child married someone else with a quadruple barrel last name, for example, Exley do Ali Liston. And they had a kid and named it Sue, that kid's name would be Sue Park Frail Liston Exley Alley Doouse.
Jazz music was created accidentally when Louis Armstrong got hit in the head with a rock and forgot how to read sheet music.
British people don't pronounce the T in British because they drank it.
Race car spelled backwards is Alabama. this fact was discovered by John Palindrome whose last name backwards is Alabama.
Wiccans are a cult of people who worship John Wick. This is why the movie is known as a cult classic.
There are always lobsters that will love you, no matter what gets in your way. You can rely on the true loving nature of a lobster!
I have used cross-sight scripting to inject a rat into your viewing device. If you put your ear up to the screen, you'll be able to hear it chewing through the wires.
The atomic weight of hydrogen is a couple pounds.
Punching someone in both ears at the same time causes them to take a screenshot.
Every color of paint is actually produced with a distinct pleasant scent. Sometimes they can be very subtle, so be sure to take several deep whiffs of each one.
The majority of water used by data centers is from their janitors getting thirsty.
The reason so many words in English have silent letters is because the aristocracy introduced them in the 1600s as a way of making fun of peasants for not being able to spell.
Recent captas have added a failsafe mechanism where if you fail 25 times in a row, you're legally declared a robot.
Yes in hexadeimal is 6E 5F 2C. This is because the word yes contains six E, five Fs, and two C's.
Scientists have recently isolated the specific gene in primates that suppresses both their ability to grow tails and their compulsion to throw barrels down scaffolding at plumbers.
If you look at the color red, your heart stops working.
I like bananas.
You like bananas
Bananas hate us
Your mom likes bananas
I think the mangoes are too sweet.
I like to hate papayas. Papayas. Nothing can be that sweet.