I really wish I had not turned my rants into a vent board. But alas, here we are oncemore. Life is seemingly just an endless spiral of depression. Just negative thing after negative feeling after major breakdown. This morning, while headed to work, I consistently felt dissociated. while dissociated, my brain bombarded me with flashbacks. Just some of the worst memories and experiences in my life. And then it sat me through potential flash forwards, mainly surrounding sexual harrasment. I am just afraid of people trying to abuse me like that, it has happened before, and people have attempted it before, but I am just afraid of it happening again. I do not really know why these fears suddenly popped up like this again.

Lately I have been noticing an uptake in depression symptoms and all that comes along with that. I just feel intensely sad constantly and for absolutely no reason. It is made even worse because I keep forgetting I have depression, and I just feel so fucking sad out of nowhere and just days on end. I just want to die constantly, rather than a couple times a day, I just do not feel much other than sadness. I often wonder what bit of my brain is broken and causes my depression, I wonder whichpart is dysfunctional to the point it is ruining the whole. I wonder why that part broke, and I wonder why. I wonder which traumatic event in my life altered my brain chemistry causing my depression to kick in and causing me to have to wonder about this now.

My brain also wants me to be impulsive. To make a big change in my life. To flip everythig up on its head. To just change aroud my life, the people in it, the places I hang around. My brain tells me these actions are the only way to help me feel better in the slightest. Because maybe something new is able to provide me with joy, am I right? I wish to feel joyous and happy, so I guess I am not too far gone yet. I guess I am not depressed to the point that I am apathetic to the idea of happiness, nor to the point of being uncaring about anything in my life. I guess that reduces my chances of actually going through on killing myself ever, because I still have hope regardless of how unfounded it is to have. Being depressed is so depressing. I hate how depression makes me overthink and analize everything. It makes me feel like a computer. Like something inhuman.

I wish to end this vent-rant by saying how much I hate the stigmatisation of mental health. People immediately assuming the worst in regarding mentally ill people just hurts. Like, no, I do not intend to kill anyone. Though people thinking I will makes me want to kill them. Or for instance how a lot of people guilt trip you about the idea of suicide. Like, oh gee, thank you! I just wanted to feel even worse about myself because I have been feeling suicidal. I definitely wanted to be reminded how evil it is to even think about suicide. I am glad you helped make me feel like some ungodly demon. Thank you so much! I feel so much better now. Ending my sarcasm to tell people who make suicidal people to feel guilty to just die. Goodbye fuckers. I am still in a bad mood after writing it, so goodbye.

Lately I have been having my struggles with life. Just like I always have, and just like I will always have. I just feel depressed and empty and want to die, constantly, twenty-four seven. I try to hide it and shove it out of the way, not let others notice it, but that is hard. I have cried a lot today, as did I last night, because I just felt lonely. And I was not lonely, not in the regular sense, at least. Yesterday I had a Christmas dinner with my parents, my partner's parents and sister, my sibling and their best friend, and his mom. So I was in fact far from lonely. However, I still felt alone. Unseen.

Early this morning, I watched a video entitled "Floyd, Freud, And Neon Genesis Evangelion" which made connections between the three subjects, namely, the walling yourself off described in Pink Floyd's 'The Wall.' This was compared to Shinji's depression and inability to see himself as being lovable and how this both directly and indirectly harms those around him. This was all connected back to Freud through mommy issues and shit, which both Shinji and Pink struggle with, but that is beside the point. I feel like talking more about the depression aspects in both Neon Genesis Evangelion and Pink Floyd's 'The Wall.'

As I mentioned earlier, Shinji is depressed. He sees himself as worthless and unlovable. He is unmotivated and unproductive when he gets forced to pilot Eva-01 (which is a giant robot that fights angels hellbent on destroying what is left of humanity). He feels like this is his life purpose and actually does not want to actively die whilst piloting the Eva. However, when he is out of it, he still feels depressed and wanting to die, and not even before getting in does he feel okay, only while actively piloting it.

The wall follows Pink, a man who has had an incredibly rough life. His dad dying in World War two, and the education system making a fool out of him. These experiences lead him to build up a metaphorical wall in his head. A wall that keeps pain out through keeping all other people out. As he continues growing older, he only builds more and more upon this wall, leading him to never forming meaningful relationships with others. He does not believe others can love him, and thus he grows incapable of loving others himself. A painful and inescapable cycle.

Shinji continues piloting the Eva when it is expected of him. But through piloting the Eva, he also grows closer to the other pilots: Rei and Asuka. Though he never appears to be able to fully connect with these two at all. He does not allow them to love him because he does not love himself; this is because for him it is easier to avoid everyone and never try to form any sort of meaningful social connections with those around him than it is to do so and risk getting hurt by those around him. This is comparable to the hedgehog dilemma, which, just so happens to be a major plot point in the show.

Pink ends up becoming a rockstar and getting married, but while touring, he finds out his wife has been sleeping around. This leads to him finishing his wall and shutting everyone around him out of his life. This leads to him losing the connection with his audience that he wishes to feel. He ends up turning to drugs because he feels lonely and unseen, all while being unmotivated and needing to be dragged onto the stage by his manager to even perform.

Shinji ends up hurting all the people around him, and due to an evil shadow government plot, he becomes the catalyst to an end of the world scenario. He gets to be the deciding factor of what happens to humanity. He can shatter everyone's walls and allow everyone's consciousnesses to merge with one another, letting one's strengths complement the other's weaknesses, or he could remove humanity from the equation altogether. He feels conflicted, and he is not fully in control. His subconscious is. Which leads to him ending the world by accident.

Pink, now at the lowest point he can imagine himself being, starts to fully lose his mind. His manager injects some type of stimulant into him in order to get him up in front of the stage. He pictures himself as a fascist, a Hitler-like figure, spouting hatred to all his followers. Preaching hate to all his mindless zombies, to all the people he sees as having been turned into cogs of the war machine. He sees himself as the most evil thing imaginable, doing unspeakable acts through unspeakable means.

After Shinji dissolves all of humanity into the seas, his consciousness remains, and he gets confronted by his internal images of the people around him, as well as their souls, who all confront him for what he has done. Who all question him and call out his insecurities and inability to see the inner imaginations of those around him, just like any other human is unable to. He gets told not to assume everyone hates him, and he is able to join everyone in the molten human soup, being congratulated by those who used to be his friends. Some shit goes down that I frankly cannot be bothered to explain here, and that leads to Shinji allowing people's souls to return to their bodies if so desired. He does so, and then spots that Asuka did the same. He then strangles her until she caresses his face, to which he stops, and she is disgusted.

Pink ends up playing judge, jury, and executioner against himself. He judges his actions and decides his punishment, which is to tear down the wall. He realizes his shutting everyone out is the reason he is turning into a bad person. He realizes his negative emotions about himself have caused him to become negative to all around him. He realizes his self-hatred makes him hate those whom he cares about.

The reason I write this, and I begun this by talking about myself, is that I find this a bit relatable. I struggle a lot with depression and my image of myself. I do not see myself as a good person, nor do I view myself as particularly lovable, and I fear this affects my view of those around me, too. I fear my ineptitude at loving myself is directly having a negative side effect on my ability to have meaningful relationships with people around me. Just like is the case for Pink and Shinji, though, my wall has been built for different and personal reasons that no one will ever be able to meaningfully grasp. All anyone other than me can do is assist me in tearing down my wall and allowing me to be genuinely positive and caring to those around me, to be genuinely happy with other people, rather than having the wall numb it all, just so that others are less capable of hurting me. I doubt anyone around me has a material grasp on my brain's functioning and why I am eternally just neutral, no matter what happens. Why, at best, I can be happy for a bit before returning back to my 'neutral' state of sadness and loneliness. I think this is a good description of why I feel the way I do. Maybe I should take inspiration from Shinji and end humanity through biblical means, or from Pink and do so many drugs until my ego dissolves, my superego shatters, and my ID malfunctions, no longer caring, before judging myself intensely and allowing myself to finally start working on myself. Or maybe I should take inspiration from Will Wood and get to the bottom of this, getting to a new all-time low so I have more of myself that I can fix. Build new foundations. Or maybe there is a fourth thing able to tear down the wall in my mind preventing connection with those around me. Who knows? I sure as hell do not.

Yesterday was much too long a day. I did far too much and am now still absolutely exhausted. Today will be yet another much too long day, which I am not looking forward to. I decided to just turn off notifications for the day because I am too tired to be available for people to message. I am so exhausted today.
Yesterday I first had a meeting with a(n) outpatiet/peripathetic/outcall worker in the morning in a community house where you can get tea and coffee. We talked about how my process of getting a job has not been going well. After that we went to look at some animals in the petting zoo right nextdoor. Then I went to a museum where there was a special exhibition displaying most of the works in the museum's archive. It was really interesting and I got to see so much cool stuff. I even got to go inside of a sculpture (HABITAT by Mirjam Volker) inside of which was a projector playing movies. Being inside there was really nauseating and made me quite nauseous due to it being slanted and the floor not being particularly solid. The movies not being wholly in focus did not aid in this either. There were also other interactive art pieces. Such as one to one replicas of items from their archive which you are supposed to touch, and some videos which you have to act out certain actions for to progress.

There was so much more to see, and I saw so much cool stuff, including a boat from approximately ten-thousand years back, a bunch of ancient artifacts from the Funnel(-neck-)beaker culture, which I absolutely adored. Expect me to write more about that on my Dolmen page. On top of that, I saw a whole bunch of historic paintings of the dutch dolmen, which was increadibly cool! After walking through almost the complete museum (a lot more than just what I mentioned here), I went to see a nature documentary about local flora and fauna, made by a small local movie company. It was a great watch and I learned a whole lot. Such as the way the European nightjar looks and acts and that the great grey shrike kills prey and kebabs them on trees and branches to eat later. Now I also know why small animals are strung up in the trees if I ever see it myself. There was alo a bit about a pair of grey geese nesting in a tree top, and the goose throwing the kids out of the nest when they were old enough, pushing them down 20 meters. And then immediately making them follow her to the lake to vibe there instead. It is so interesting to me that this, albeit very rarely, can happen. Because they are massive birds whom usually nest on the water side in the reeds.

After all of this, I was completely exhausted. But I still had to go swim in the evening, which did not work out particularly well. I could harldy use my strength because of how exhausted I was, nor could I swim straight very well. My hip was hurting a lot while swimming and that always just fucks up my balance while swimming. Which is ass. After this I still had to shower and wash and bruh my now over 60 centimeter/ 23inch long curly hair. Which always takes ages because of how long it gets. There was also more that happened but I do not feel like going into that here.

All of this combined leads me to be emotionally and physically exhausted, and just too drained to do much. And I have got to be out and about till approximately 5pm again today too. So I will just unplug myself for the most part for today, because sometimes I can be a little smart. I wish I could have slept more, though. I much underslept last night, and now I am just too tired to really be. But I shall force myself to be and not complain too much. Stay fancy out there whomever read this.

Lately I have been a lot more angrier a lot more frequently. I am just angry for no big reason for prolonged periods of time. Almost just whenever something small goes wrong. Well, not just when something small goes wrong. I got denied a job for the so manyth time. I am just so livid. And they even have the balls to lie about the reason to my face too, well, over the phone, but you get my point. They told me that all job positions for that job had been filled. And jut moments later I go to browse aroud for another job to apply to (I spent over two hours doing this and only found two ok places.) and low and behold: a just now posted ad for the exact job I applied too, same company, same place. I hope they fucking die. I hope they have strokes or heart attacks and drop dead. Just tell me that you do not want to hire a fag. Just tell me you do not want to hire a tranny. But do not fucking be pussies and cuck out on telling me why you did not want me. Drop fucking dead cunts.

I do not have a clue why all this anger keeps coming out of me lately, and it is a bit scary sometimes. This worry gets further built upon by my sort of half held belief that the only way to get adequate healthcare in this piece of shit system is to kill someone. And I worry that someday I might because people just fucking suck and should all die all at once. None of us are better than our peers, none of us are better than the worst of us. And the worst of us are god awful fuckers who most definitely deserve to die, so we all do too. I just wish there was a way to kill us all. Maybe world war three LOL wonder when that one breaks out.

Anyhow, back on the topic of my anger problems I have been having lately. They have just been intesifying, and they make me feel like everyone in this wide world hates me and wishes me dead, which makes me more angry and think about harming others more. So far I have never actually hurt someone, not physically, at least. And not on purpose either. The problem is that I do not know if I can ever snap and hurt or mame someone, and I am afraid that some part of my being can and one day will, and in all likeliness, this is a truth that can be said about all of us.

On a completely different note, I have done so much art today. I hope to have it finished sometime soon (tm) so that I can post it on here. I recon this may end up becoming one of my coolest pieces so far. I am really quite happy with how it is shaping up so far. It is basically an incredibly bedazzled and decorated hat, moreso than any other I have made so far. And I really hope it will end up looking decent, because then I will get to wear it on special occasions.
Welp, this is where I will be leaving it off for today. Hope your day is at least slightly better, and less filled with thoughts about murder, than my day has been. Have a good one.

Last Tuesday, so a couple days ago by now, I had the displeasure of swimming in an overcrowded pool full of people who simply do not give a flying fuck about giving others space to swim. Some of them swam slow, with two people side to side in such a way that you could not pass them. It was absolutely awful. I went in that day with the intend to match my previous (albeit low) record of distance swam. But I ended up quitting half a kilometer short because people could not fucking swim. And before you start complaining that swimming lines in a pool is not normal, it was in a timeslot literally aimed at doing that very thing. I paid to be allowed to swim lines, and I was not able to properly because of how unaware people are. Like, is it that hard to just pay attention to those around you, or to swim in a more space efficient manner. I hope that I never have to see these people again.

Remember, remember, the 5th of November, Gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason Why gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot. Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, 'twas his intent To blow up the King and the Parliament. Three score barrels of powder below Poor old England to overthrow. By God's providence he was catch'd With a dark lantern and burning match. Holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring Holler boys, holler boys God save the King!

Remember, remember! The fifth of November, The Gunpowder treason and plot; I know of no reason Why the Gunpowder treason Should ever be forgot! Guy Fawkes and his companions Did the scheme contrive, To blow the King and Parliament All up alive. Threescore barrels, laid below, To prove old England's overthrow. But, by God's providence, him they catch, With a dark lantern, lighting a match! A stick and a stake For King James's sake! If you won't give me one, I'll take two, The better for me, And the worse for you. A rope, a rope, to hang the Pope, A penn'orth of cheese to choke him, A pint of beer to wash it down, And a jolly good fire to burn him. Holloa, boys! holloa, boys! make the bells ring! Holloa, boys! holloa boys! God save the King! Hip, hip, hooor-r-r-ray!

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November, the Gunpowder Treason and Plot. I know of no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot... But what of the man? I know his name was Guy Fawkes and I know, in 1605, he attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament. But who was he really? What was he like? We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love... And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man... A man that made me remember the Fifth of November. A man that I will never forget.


I find it somewhat comedic that a foiled attempt at terrorism resulted in a national holiday still being celebrated almost 420 years later. It is so hilariously stupid. "Remeber the nerd that almost killed the king and all his higher ups? hahaha, good one. Let us now get drunk as shit and burn a doll that looks like the man!" Peak british culture. And I fucking love it. I also love how kids and beggers would make silly little Guy Fawkes effigies and go around asking "Penny for the Guy" in an attempt to get a little extra money. I love that cultural aspect. I love how it brings people together, thanks to a hatred of their ancestors of a certain guy. Nothing is as uniting as a shared enemy aye? I wish we had this over where I live, we never get united through hate, only through a stupid festival which pulls like 200k germans to a city of 70k. It is not fun as someone who looks like me, because most of those germans are men, and most of them just come as an excuse to get absolutely shitfaced at 12 midday. It is a dangerous time to be outsite and leave the house. I wish we had hatred to unite us though. Could we not find a foiled terrorism plot to celebrate? Is that so hard?

I just had a really painful conversation with my fiance and our views on this world and how they have changed and are currently changing. One of the bigger aspects of this was bitterness at the world and those residing within it. Feeling like every last person on our luscious green earth deserves to get an atom bomb thrown at their stupid fucking faces and die. The last year, and especially the last couple months, I have been noticing my descent into hatred and resentment for everyone, not just limited to those I do not know, not just those who could potentially harm me, not just those who have shown time and time again that they are capable of harm, or capable of not caring about those getting harmed.

Now, what one does with this hatred is a difficult thing. There are various ways of outting it, some of which harm you, some of which harm others, some of which do neither, and some do both. What I want to do with this anger and hatred is hurt neither myself nor others, which requires assistance from others in order to lessen the pain. However to me it often feels like not a soul around me is capable of offering me aid in this. My fiance can listen, but does not know what I could do to feel better. My therapist has been absolutely incompetent lately. The social worker I have been talking to in order to keep my life on track has been no use either. Nor are my parents. This makes me think of the saying that if everyone around you is the problem, it is often you who is the problem. So maybe I, and my want to not cause harm to anyone is the problem. This has made itself apparant in the past too.

There are two occurances I recall in which I had found myself in a physical altrecation. These also happen to be the only two occurances in which anyone cared enough to attempt to do anything, though that also proved to be fruitless itself. The first time the other guys just had to haphazerdly apologize to me and a couple others. They never saw serious concequences. The second time, however, I was at a school hosted party. There were drinks. I had like two, and the other had a lot more. He had been bothering me the entire night, and eventually while outside he started physically harassing me, so I went up to him to intimidate him and asked him to stop. And then asked him why he was doing this. To which he answered a simple "I hate fags" (this was said in my native language). To this I promptly proceeded to slap him. After this we got in a bit of a fight, and I struck him on the back of his head twice with a heavy bag. The security workers, who watched the whole thing got mad at me for not going to them, but they had not yet done anything the entire night, even though I had been notifying people the entire time it was happening. To the contrary of this, however, were the responses of friends and teachers. They applauded me for standing up to for myself and using physical violence. They encouraged physical violence as a means to an end. They encouraged the act of hurting others to get out my anger, the thing I desperately want to avoid doing gets encouraged by those who are supposed to not let this situation occur.

So that leads me to wonder, if the thing I seek to avoid, the act of hurting others, gets rewarded. But also gets me villified. What am I supposed to do? Those who are supposed to help me do the opposite. And when I reach out to people they tell me I just should not cause harm to others, in effect just making me a target to get observed more. Mental health professionals just try to get you on drugs even if it kills you, which it has, in fact, almost done to me in the past. And if you refuse the drugs, they tell you to just live with it and that it will never get better. Friends will tell you that you are too fucked up and leave you. This leads me to wonder just what needs to be done to get help. Do I really need to hurt others in order to get help to not hurt others? Is that not paradoxical? Do I need to kill another person to get taken serious? Do I need to be the cause of the end of the life of another human being? Sometimes it feels like that is the only way to get taken serious.

I fear for what I may be capable of sometimes, and these fears do not get taken as serious as I feel like they should. I often feel like swearing and cussing and telling everyone to go die because I feel like that would make me feel slightly better. But also because I feel like they deserve it. I feel like most people are bad people, me included. Most people do not care for those around them. Or actively make the lifes of those around them worse. Anyway, have a poem I am workshopping.

How I wish to be free out there and see what else I could be other than me.
How could you they say out in my way so I guess I'll just stay here for a day.
Free I will be you will see me for me now don't you say I should stay here for one day.
Now I'll take the train away from the pain this life here my bane it drives me insane.
I'll ascend up above just like a dove oh how I wish to just love you like a glove.
Now I must go far from the snow not just to show that I was low.

I hope you like this poem. I got inspired to write it while watching some birds sit atop of an abandoned factory. But I also wanted to add my current, at the time, but also now, feelings of desparity and suicidality to it in my wish to be free from this painful life.

Struggles really never end, do they? Life is just fight after fight after fight after fight. There is always something new which gets in the way of your happy existence. Always something that gets in between what you can/are doing and what you want to do. My body is telling me to take it slower, but I wish only to go faster. Live harder. Experience life and do things hardly anyone can say they have done. I am still doing that, it is just starting to get harder and harder to keep it up. My mental state has been abhorrent lately and I feel as though I am letting myself slip away. I am starting to take steps to get better though. Got an appointment with my general practitioner tomorrow in order to take further steps to find out why my body is failing me. I am trying to eat healthier and sleep better. On top of this, I am trying to cut down on certain bad habits such as staying up calling with people all night.

My drive to make art is however at an alltime high. Since my psychiatrist told me I will be fucked up forever I have been making so much art. I finished my first hat, I probably put somewhere between twenty and twenty-five hours into it, and I have been drawing a lot. I intend to update my art page soon. Tomorrow I will make some rosary beads out of rose petals and work on a self portrait on the biggest canvas I have made to date. Yesterday I repaired some fancy broches which I intend to put on a hat which I intend to make soon. I also started working on a new hat, which will be bigger than the last, but I have discovered that because of my declining health I cannot currently continue working on it.

I also recently got a new book, which I intend to read ad review on a chapter by chapter basis. It is a historical book which was written about the nazi rise of power between 1931 and 1941. I found it in a thrift shop and thought it would be interesting to read, but in the dark curiosity way. The book itself is pro-nazi propaganda, so it should be interesting to see what is actually inside.

The past while has been a struggle, I am not in the mood to put it out here into the wider web, not in detail at least. But the major events of the past couple weeks made me feel how pointless my, and all of our lives are for the millionth time. They made me feel overwhelmingly empty, and when I was not empty, I was sad. I am still down in this pit. I have yet to crawl out of it, but I am trying. I do not know if these last weeks will have a long lasting effect on me, or if I will go back to my baseline of just sad again soon, but I want to put some comforting ideas out here. Something that, although sad if looked at from certain angles, also makes me feel less empty.

Think of a wave on the ocean, gently gliding along and minding its own business, you can measure every aspect of this wave, how tall it is, how wide it is, how it refracts light, or even its salinity. However, eventually this wave will crash upon a shore, it really does not measure how tall thew wave is, a kilometer tall wave will eventually crash down on a shore too. After crashing onto the shore, the wave becomes what it was prior to being a wave; water. This water will then rejoin the ocean at large, ending up inside of many other waves which will all undergo the exact same process: form, roll toward shore, disappear, only to be many parts in the formation of many different waves.

I long felt this quote only able to be applied to life, we are the waves, our lives are the waves, be form when we get born, roll toward shore as we grow up, which is a process which does not end until we pass on to whatever awaits, and disappear when we die. And we all will die. It is an inescapable fact of life. But in this reading of the methaphor, the ocean is always a question. I thought it to mean that after we die, our souls would return to a literal pool of life essence. The very place our souls formed. This would lead to what little remains of us upon death dissolves into many new souls. Restarting the cycle. However nowadays I feel this metaphor is more applicable to our emotions than it is to our lives themselves. I feel the waves are our states of being, and the ocean is ourselves. Sometimes there is a storm, the waves become unpredictable as does our emotional states, and thus our actions too. But it is not something to spend too much time worrying about, the waves will all go to shore and become one with our conciousness again, they pose no real permanent harm.

Now that that has been said, take this metaphor, with the aforementioned kilometer tall wave again. This wave would not just stop on the shore, it would pass by it, slowly losing its momentum. However as it continues onward, it will eventually run into trees and houses, which will get swept up in the wave. Eventually, when the wave finally settles in a spot, and slowly becomes one with the ocean again, it will have been contaminated. There will be pieces of houses, trees, cars, whatever you can think about in this water, which will all get dragged back into the ocean. This means the ocean will become clouded, no longer clean. And thus will have been permanently altered by an inpermanent wave.

Today has most certainly been one of the more interesting days I have had the displeasure of experiencing lately. Let me start at the start. I woke up at seven AM completely unmotivated and absolutely suffering from a lack of sleep. I got myself freshened up and had a monster. Then it took me approximately two hours to get together the motivation to get started on my homework (which I had planned three hours for the day prior, but I took the wrong book with). I almost got finished when I had to get ready to leave to school. Right as I hop on my bicycle it starts raining. And not just a little trickle either. Full on pouring down from the heavens. Having finally arrived at school, walking to the entrence I need people start knocking on the window and looking and yelling at me. Fun. I thought I would not have to deal with that behavior as much anymore now that I have finally left my piece of shit highschool. But I guess not. Then I had math class, surprisingly one of the highlights of my day. After this I got to the best part of the day: a lunch date to subway with my fiance and coupons. We both ate different iterations of a tuna sandwich. Then we both went home seperately. I got rained on again. Some girls were following me on their bicycles and yelling stuff at me. I did not feel bothered to respond. At a given point one of them almost felt off their bicycle and I think that was kind of funny. Having finally arrived home, absolutely exhausted and cold to the touch, I just laid down somewhere and mainly rotted for hours. Then in the evening I got in an argument about hate and how hating people is not normal or something. It was just the nail in the coffin for an already shitty day. Now I am here and writing this post. Still low on motivation, and quite honestly, I am quite exhausted.

Homo res sacra homini. Humans are holy to other humans. We care for eachother indiscriminately and help eachother feel better.
Homo res sacra homini. We lift eachother up no matter what it takes from us. We care for others even if it is not in our own best interest. We help one another when we are in need of help. We help eachother reach our full potential.
Homo res sacra homini. We avoid inflicting harm upon another, even if it is harmful to us. We care for eachother, because deep in each of our souls there is kindness that wishes to be expressed. That wants to be put out into the world.
These are some thoughts that I feel align with this quote. I do not believe any of them are true on their own, by themselves. I believe they are in a delecate balance with the thoughts I found on homo homini lupus yesterday.

Homo homini lupus. Humans are as a wolf to their fellow humans. We harm eachother for our own benefit. We use others regardless of the consequences this has on others.
Homo homini lupus. We care more about our own interest than we do. We go as far as to start wars to line our pockets. We kill people en masse just because it gives us money, prosperity, food, and whatever else it could provide to us. We systemetically eradicate other groups of our fellow humans just in order to provide us even the smallest of benefits.
Homo homini lupus. We deceipt eachother and we steal from eachother. We pillage eachother and we and kill for our own good. We put others down to lift ourselves up. The harm we cause upon others satisfies our deepest feelings of agression. The feelings we get told to suppress but deep down want to express.
These are some peoples thoughts about this quote or thoughts expressed through the quote. I do not personally think homo homini lupus I a singular truth. I think it is in balance with its opposite. Homo res sacra homini. I will write more about this tomorrow.

This post will once more be inspired by thought, ideas and experiences I had today. I went to the store to get some food and drinks because I knew a bad storm was coming and would not be able to go anymore later. It was oddly quiet on the route toward the store. Barely a soul on the road. Barely a cloud in the heavens above. Say for a car that had seemingly broken down on the side of the road. When I finally entered the shopping area, the awful calmness remained unbroken. Barely a soul in sight. This abhorrent serenity followed me into the store. It was incredibly peaceful and calming, but felt like a warning to heed, a bad omen of sorts. In the store, I slowly felt the calm that had started to form within me break into anxiety and panic. I tried to get out of there fast, but failed miserably at that. I ended up being in that store much longer than it felt or I would have expected. Finally having left the store, I noticed that, rather than the beautiful and peaceful blue sky with a bright sun, there was now a thick curtain of dark purple, angry looking clouds, coming in my direction. On the streets it was even more peaceful, but the wind was stronger. I hurried on home as fast as posible. Well, as fast as I could on my actively breaking down bicycle and ever strengthening headwind. Initially I had attended to drink some shitty ginger beer on the way back, but I could not because I was busy trying to get home fast. Almost at home, I saw two cars (different spot, different cars) on the side of the road, which made it appear like they had crashed mere moments before the storm was about to unleash its fangs upon us. Minutes after I got inside, the weather got bad. Severe rain, lightning bolts every couple seconds, incredibly hard winds. It was a sight to behold. How something went from so calm and so peaceful, to something so chaotic, and so dangerous at a moments notice. I am very glad I made it home on time, because to be stuck in the midst of a thunderstorm, although uniquely liberating and freeing, is not something I am looking to repeat for quite some time. All that having been said, I hope you got some inspiraion/entertainment/whatever out of reading this post I wrote. Have a good one!

Today I had a lot of time to think, which I, partially, did take. I also took in a couple video essays, as I am typing this I have one blaring in the background about cults. The one which I had on earlier today was about old creepypasta stories. But not just your regular slenderman, ben drowned, rake and smiling dog. Rather, it was about the slightly less known creepypastas. One of these being one I have very vague memories of. This one being part of some search and recue story which was hours upon hours long. It was mainly refered to as the stairs in the woods or the stairs in the forest or something similar to that. This idea of perfectly intact stairs, looking like they came straight out of a builing, in a perfect states, in the middle of a forest is so weird. Just without adding of any of the fictional creepy elements to it. One of the creepy elements was that you were never supposed to walk up these stairs, because if you did, you would bring bad luck to the the mission or could possibly just disappear into a different dimension. Which is quite a scary thought to me. Imagine slipping into a slightly different dimension and everything is just ever so slightly wrong, all because you walked up some perfectly intact mansion's stairs out in the middle of some massive woods, many kilometers away from any paths. Maybe ten to a hundred times further than even that from civilization. It just feels weird to think that something seemingly so innocent gets mangled into something so weirdly horrifying. I just needed to get this down somewhere.

Sometimes I just sit and think, unable to motivate my body to do anything. I just feel my feelings and think my thoughts to the best of my ability. Let it all flow through me like an ocean flowing across the world. In and out of my brain, a constant flow of what makes me human. None of the thoughts are able to root in my brain however, not a thought that roots itself in my brain and takes over my subsequent thoughts and feelings. It is a weirdly calming thing to do. I guess it is akin to meditation, definitely similar to it, as it allows me to feel and think in a peaceful way, just without that intend. I would not mind if I had concrete thoughts and feelings to put into words on this page. I think that may have to be it for this post, a rather short and messy one.

So today I was at a birthday party of a dear friend of mine. I had not yet finished my gifts, but I was not alone in that. We started off having a bit of a typical circle birthday, in our own unique way atleast, before going on to play some games. The gaming started with just dance, which I just watched and did not parttake in myself because I was too damn warm. After all this we got to the good part.
We played capitalism simulator AKA marioparty 9. We were having fun, until I became rich. I kept stealing people's wealth and hoarding it. This was my inner Waluigi at play. It was forcing me to be evil silly. Pushing everyone down for my own self gain. After I became far and away the richest player in the game, I ended up screwing everyone over by voting to go left. Causing everyone to lose point, and I mean everyone , thanks to the raising lava levels. Eventually this bit me in the ass, though. Because I started losing wealth too. When this started happening, when waluigi the capitalist became poorer, he decided it was over. I tried to make everyone lose as much wealth as possible. Which worked because at the end I was once more the richest. Until I got utterly DESTROYED by everyone else in the boss battle. But that was just a skill issue. Anyway, moral of the story: In capitalism simulator make everyone as poor as possible, even if it ends up making yourself poorer.

The third day of the event once again started off with a can of monster energy. Great way to start busy and chaotic days. This was swiftly followed by me getting half-dressed and going to the store, because my full outfit would not have been entirely suitable for going to a store. I got breakfast for my lover, and some snacks for on our trip back home. when I got back to the hotel room, we ate together an had another cup of the horrid instant coffee.
We then cleaned the room quite properly and packed everything up, before getting fully dressed and grouping up with the others. We all walked to the car park togehter and packed up the car before going to our last day of Castlefest. I am so glad I did not have to get changed on the parking lot again, because it is kind of embarrasing to have to do so. We walked onto the festival grounds and decided that we would meet up in the same spot as the past two days at two thirty.

My partner and I walked over the entirity of the festival with the agreement that we would buy anything we really wanted in that time, and buy nothing for ourselves anymore afterward. We did this in order to still be able to buy gifts for eachother afterward, seeing our four month anniversary is coming up soon. I ended up buying hundred percent cotton lace for myself, and a bunch of hundred percent linnen. Three colors one by one-twofifths meter each. I also got a piece of a hundred percent woolen felt for a mere ten euros. It is like ninety by fifty centimeters. And it is a material I want to use for hat making real bad which is usually significantly more expensive. While walking around, we got asked by crew from the event if they could film us for the aftermovie, to which we agreed. I also bought a pack of pokemon cards and pulled one of those textured full art card. Are those still rare these days? I have no clue. It is 188/189 Roxanne by the way. It goes for more than I got the pack for, so I guess I will hold on to it.
[link to aftermovie] We then regrouped, before splitting up into different groups again. I went around with my sibling's best friend. He wanted me to take pictures of him. Some curated images here. After this we went across the entire festival grounds together too to score some gifts for others. I would share what I got, but my partner is known to occassionally lurk on this page, so I can not do so at the moment. It will probably be revealed sometime in early October.
The two of us ended up sitting somewhere and just chatting for a while. It was really nice. We ended up discussing hats and such, and he asked whether I would be able to make him a custom tophat. One very similar to Professor Layton's tophat from the old nintendo game series. I said that I would be able to make that, so keep your eyes peeled on my art page too, as I will upload a picture there when it is done. I am so happy that I am finally getting into hat making again.
After a while of just sitting there, just before the previously agreed upon meet-up time, the person whom I was with realized he needed to pick something up on the other side of the terrain, so we quickly hurried over there, before heading to the meeting spot. We were late. How is it that I was late every single time, regardless of who I was with. Anyhow, reunited with the others once more , the six of us decided it was an appropriate time for dinner. After dinner, my parents decided to walk up to the main stage.
After hanging around for a while, I needed to use the toilet, so I went in the direction of the nearest toilet, but that area was already closed off, as the organizerss were slowly closing down the festival. So we had to walk quite the distance to a toilet, especially considering all the faster routes were shut down too so stand holders could start packing up. This was quite annoying as I really needed to go and did not want to walk half a kilometer. I did regardless.
Having finally gotten back to the rest of the group, I sat down again and just vibed. The music was ending soon, and the masses were starting to leave. A friend of mine, who was not originally with the group, asked if I wanted to play Magic The Gathering with them, to which I agreed. I started off strong, but then my luck turned absolutely abysmal leading to me getting absolutely dominated. I think I went from like eighteen health to a number in the negatives in like an instant. Utterly devastating. After this massive loss, we went back to the cars and packed our last things, before heading on a long ride home.

The ride home was mostly uneventful. Say for when in the dead of night a cop car sped past us breaking several traffic laws. It did not have it's sirens nor cop lights on. So I was kind of confused. I wonder if what the cop did was actually legal. But when we finally got home, after the predicted duration of the car ride this time, I brought all my stuff upstairs and me and my partner got settled in. Finally getting some of the rest I so desperately needed.

The second day of the event started off less chaotic as the day prior. A great indication of the day to come. Luckily though, it did start a little later. At eight in the morning this time rather than six.
The day started by consuming a monster, followed about half an hour later by breakfast with coffee. (Think really bad instant coffee, with enough milk and sugar that it didn't taste nearly as bad anymore.) Honestly quite a relaxing start to my day. Then we got told plans changed and that instead of going in two seperate groups, we would go in one group all together. Which was quite annoying. I stated that I found this annoying and that we woke up at eight am specifically for that plan, and the plans got changed back. Made the start of the day incredibly much more chaotic than it appeared prior to this. My autism did not enjoy this in the slightest.

The car ride went smoothly this time around and I once more had to get changed in the parking lot. This went mostly smoothly. We then had to hurry onto the terrain, being allowed to bypass any lines thanks to our wristbands, and hurried to one of the stages. We wanted to be early to join in a free dance class. It was very busy, very awesome, very warm, and very fun. I got to dance with many strangers, and also slow-dance in a Scottish style with my partner. It was so much fun.
Following the dancing, we were completely and utterly exhausted. Me in my massive flower skirt, which acted like a thick tent keeping all the warmth that came free while dancing stuck to my body, had to sit down to let the area under the skirt breathe and cool down. While I did this, my partner went to fetch us both some water. We sat together for a while just chilling and relaxing, before we had to continue on to the pre-discussed meet up spot. The same spot that was impossible to find last night, though luckily we now knew where it was. Once there we just sat and vibed for a while, until it was time for THE TRINKET TRADEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

The trinket trade was incredibly fun, I somehow did away with all my trinkets in a bit over half an hour. It was great. I got so many cool things. I got so many fun charm, and also some fun handdrawn things. On top of that i got such a cute pair of crochet flower earrings and lots of friendship bracelets. I got a cool wine cork painted to look like a mushroom and I also got a pokemon card. The pokemon card was Altaria (such a funny fella), I also got a rock with a little kitty drawn on it, and a slice of wood with a toucan! And an absolutely adorable clay rose, a duck and some protection charms. A crochet/knitted lemon and a lemon pin that says "slightly bitter" some keychains and a little plastic duck. And someone even gave me a win charm, like one of the spinny ones. It is so cool, but I will probably end up bastardizing it by pinning a lot of small custom pieces onto it. (I recon it woul be ideal to display small pieces on shrink plastic.) But at the same time, It is absolutely gorgeous as is. Overall I am quite happy with all the little trinkets which I traded, and I am really hoping some people reach out to me with a picture of one of the worms I traded around. :)

After this we continued on to sit in a grass field nearby, where we witnessed a young egyptian/nile goose getting repeatedly harassed and incredibly scared. After a while I tried to get it with me to calm it down. Which luckily worked. I poured water into the grass which it proceeded to drink and bathe in. It was really cute. I don't understand why people feel the need to harass and try to hurt such an innocent animal. Eventually someone got in contact with some of the organizers, whom said that this was the goose's natural habitat (which might well be true, but it obviously got separated from its flock and was not used to well over twenty thousand visitors constantly walking around. It stayed with me for an hour before this news came. The news obviously made me quite distraught and upset. But hey, this still wasn't the most chaotic part of the day.
After this we slowly made our way toward a stage, where we sat down and I proceeded to draw for a little. It was a lot of fun. My partner ended up bringing me an English pie which was delightful. It was an English pie filled with a pulled chicken-mushroom filling which was just so good. It tasted absolutely awesome. I also stole some wedges and a bit of garlic bread (for a description, see yesterday's description.)
Then it started raining out of nowhere. I quickly out all my things in my bag and sheltered with my back against the (solid) temporary fencing, before one of us (I think it was my partner) brought up the idea to use our sitting blanket as a makeshift umbrella. Which somehow kept all six of us mostly dry.

Shortly after this the music started and we started having a great time. Dancing, jumping, singing (when we knew songs.) But before you know it, my tent like outfit caused me to overheat again. Right as a slowER song started to play, so my stupid self decided to sit on the side to cool myself down. My dad tried (in vain) to get me to come back to the stage to dance again, and so did my mom. My sibling tried too and was failing until they pulled out the sibling card. And seeing we have a great relationship with eachother and trust eachother an awful lot. So when they said "trust me" I did.
So I went back to the dance floor, confused and overheating, and start dancing with my partner again. And before I even realized what was going on, barely able to playfully whisper the words "oh no" into their ears quickly followed by a "shut up" from my partner, they reach into their pocket and pull our a walnut. Turns out this walnut was a handmade ring box, and immediately after they pulled it out they went on one knee. It took my exhausted and on the verge of collapse self too long to realize what was going on, but I grabbed the ring and put it around the wrong ring finger. Before delving into an embrace around them. My brain didn't think to say the word yes for a solid while. Everyone around us melted away and for a moment it was just the two of us that mattered. No one else mattered in the slightest. Just us two. And then, once the band had caught wind of what was going on, they played wedding interlude (like the stereotypical wedding song) which made the moment even more intimate and special. Eventually I got told that the entire group we were with were in on it, and even the camera crew were informed. So there's a lot of angles of recordings to look back on.

They gave me an absolutely gorgeous ring. It is this rosegold beauty with a large emerald and two pieces of green tourmaline. It is so gorgeous. [Instert picture here] Afterwards we went to sit together for a bit. Many tears were shed, many congratulations were received from people in the crowd. It was quite honestly quite great. Very emotional. Eventually we recharged enough to rejoin the crowd and dance and sing and have fun. We received even more congratulations here.
When the music was over, the crowd started chanting one more song, which they did. They eventually made the crowd form a giant circle and the lead singer left the stage and hopped the barricade to dance in there while singing and playing his now disconnected guitar. Eventually a couple other people joined in, and before the circle fell in on itself and devolved into chaos, me and my partner got to happily frolick around for a while. Which was so whimsical and caused a lot of joy. After this the band really left.

When this was all over, we called my dad-in-law to tell him the good news. I tried to say something but was quickly back to tears of joy and happiness. I was so shaky I couldn't even hold the phone up to my ear. All I could get out was "we got engaged" before my brain was completely fried.
We then proceeded on to the merch stand to buy a CD, only to find out my parents bought us one. The lead singer was there though, so I thanked him for how nice what they did was, and he asked to give me a kiss, and I said only on my cheek. And so he did, and he did the same to my partner. (European customs).
This was followed by us finally able to get in contact with my mom-in-law to tell her the good news too. I was not able to say anything this time around. Which may well have been for the better.

This was followed by us sitting and resting up for a while, before we walked off to look at more market stalls. This was perhaps one of the more wrecking walks, because I was absolutely exhausted and was walking 'round barefooted over paths with lots of sharp and pointy loose rocks. It sucked so bad. I did find really cute earrings though! leather leaf earrings which i can now get to wear occassionally. I might include them in a drawing eventually. We were walking in a group of three; my partner, a friend, and me. eventually, at the end of this path, there was a loop. But this loop was even worse to walk on So I kept backing up to where we previously were. Because there I could atleast stand still. While I stood there, some people came up to me and asked for photos which turned out half-decent.
Thanks to this occurance with the photos, I lost the friend we were with, and my partner went to walk around the loop to see if they could find our friend, but they were unsuccesful. This led us to decide to walk back a bit and sit on a bench and just chat for a bit, after which our friend came back to us, and we said goodbye to eachother for the day.
This led us too check the time, and realize we should probably get some food. We decided on a pulled chicken sandwhich with a glass of cherry mead. we sat close to where we were with the goose earlier just so I could watch the goose and tell people not to harrass it (which, it is a shame that this needs to be said to people. PLEASE JUST LEAVE WILD ANIMAL ALONE AND DO NOT RUN AFTER THEM, THROW THINGS AT THEM OR WHATEVER). We toasted to our engagement and shared delishious meal. This, then was followed to us regrouping with our inititial group, and my sibling, my partner and I ordering a staggering nine bottles of mead between the three of us, which we had too pick up on the parking lot. We then sat as a group for a while, waiting for my mom to return from watching the wicker man ceremony (Not a traditional one with rumored human and animal sacrifices. But rather version where you can bring in emotionally significant items to be burned in the ceremony).

After my mom returned, we split the group in two again. I was in the first group to leave, in order to pick up the nine bottles of mead. It had to be split over two boxes, which meant that I had to call over my partner to help me carry it. On our way from the winestand to the car, we merged back together with the other half of the group, walking back to the car together.
Having finally arrived at the car, I had to change back into my comfortable clothes again, which I did. Oncemore we the drive was uneventful. Having arrived at the parking garage, we had to walk to the hotel through the city, past two absolutely adorable geese, and this, too, was rather uneventful. I just wanted to mention these two geese to be honest. Once in the hotel room, I laid down for a moment before taking a shower, after which we met up in My parents' room. We were going to share a bottle of mead between the six of us, but, we were lacking a corkscrew. We tried opening it in several manners, and even asked the front desk whether they had one, but they did not. We ended up settling for what small amount of mead we still had in a different, already open bottle. After we chatted and laughed a bunch, we went back to our own rooms and slept.

Well, to start this post off, I would like to state that this day started at 6am and has not yet ended at the time I am writing this at 11.40pm. I am in a hotel that has the vibes of an abandoned motel that somehow has electricity. On top of all this I am severely sleep deprived and have yet to properly process the day.
After waking up, I took half an hour to wake up a little (drinking a can of expired monster energy to do so (it was incredibly cheap, do not judge me.)) And then I started doing my make up. Was done around 8.30am and packed everything into the car. We left by 9.04am, expecting to arrive at the festival terrain 2.5 hours later. This 2.5 hours turned into 3.5 hours by the end of it all, due to several unexpected stops. We did get to listen to several CDs though. Fear Fun by father john misty, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by my chemical romance, Through The Veil by Seed, and the first half of The Real Will Wood by will wood and the tapeworms.
Just after arriving on the parking lot I had to change into my outfit, because it was too large to fit into the car while wearing this. As I was putting it on, the first compliments started rolling in. A couple people also about to enter the festival. Now finally ready, we walked over to the entrance, only to find ourselves in a line that was damn near an hour long. Fuck. I was barefooted and it was a gravelly path.

Having finally arrived at the terrain, I desperately needed to pee, but we were failing miserably at finding a urinal. After finally getting to empty my bladder (and ofcourse wash my hands) we went to meet up with a friend. We proceeded to sit in the grass and chat for close to an hour. Only interrupted by me and my partner running up to people in a barbie and ken (from the new barbie movie) cosplayers and my partner asking if I could take a picture with them. And taking a picture with a tardis cut-out.
After this, it was a solid 3pm and we went to walk a bit, our friend had to do a job on the terrain for a standholder at 5pm, which will get relevant later. On top of this, I feel the need to explain that my outfit consisted of four layers of hardly/not breathing fabrics down to the floor, and that the weather conditions were full sun and quite warm. It was like wearing an incredibly warm, oversized tent. Yet somehow it was more impractical.
We went to walk a partial walk over the terrain, ending at this giant field with the floor covered in black plastic plates. In the full sun. It was unbearably hot and I was absolutely disintegrating. At a given point, I was on the verge of fainting, as I was standing in full sun, surrounded partially by big black plastic plates in the full sun resulting in extremely high temperatures locally. It was just so poorly planned. Very warm, and big black plastic plates covering the grass all over the place.
After this our friend ended up having to leave, but me and my partner met back up with our group. We ended up holding a small photoshoot, because one of our friends brought a camera and acquired a photographer/press pass. During this photoshoot, some guys from a national news program rudely started interviewing me. They were being overly pushy with their questions and turns out they are known for being quite anti-woke. Which annoyed me. (With a later point of reference at which I am proof reading this again for upload, I am proud to say that I did not end up in their edit.)
[Attach pics] After this, we split up again to have dinner. Me and my partner got garlic bread (not regular, rather, this giant piece of bread, sliced in half, sliced half toasted in butter. Then covered in a special herbal garlic sauce, with tomato sauce, cucumber, red onions, pickled pepper, crispy onions and Sriracha as toppings.) It was fucking delightful and oh so refreshing. We then proceeded to dance at one of the stages until about ten to seven, because we had agreed to meet up at 7pm at a specific spot, but I'll get back on that later.
Before heading to the meet up spot, we went to a book stand we checked out earlier and each bought some strips. I bought two quite fun ones, and my partner bought two pretty dark ones. I'll write about them eventually, keep your eyes peeled (book review page when??). I got a free plushie with my purchase, and my partner got a free book which I also intend to write about. (eventually)

As we arrived at the meet up spot, five minutes late, we discovered the rest of the group wasn't there. We were trying to figure out where they actually were, but that took a solid fifteen minutes. We discussed the plan and agreed to meet back up at the (now agreed and known spot) at 9pm. Which gave us one and a half hours to roam. Which we did. We checked out a whole bunch of stands we hadn't had time for earlier, which was lots of fun. I also feel the need to add that wherever I went people were looking/staring at me with astonishment, truly admiring the creation I made that was on my body. Gawking at my beauty and fruits of labor. At the blood, sweat and tiers they could tell I had put into my outfit. I also feel the need to add that i gave several people business cards to get in contact with me to send me the pictures they took. I might upload them somewhere so I can link them here.
[Link] Now being ten to nine, we were on our way to the meet up spot, and I got a nasty fucking splinter. I couldn't apply pressure on the sole of my foot anymore, and it was too small to see. My partner got the first aid people to help me, and they told me they needed to take me to the first aid tent to help me out. I felt so much shame being pushed around in a wheelchair in the middle of the forest in the outfit I was wearing (it did not want to fit in the wheelchair in the slightest.) Well, upon arriving at the tent, and being put on a hospital bed to be helped. The splinter ended up disappearing. I have no clue what did it, maybe it was the bandage, maybe it was the cloth with a solution to clean wounds. Who knows. But the splinter had disappeared. It still hurt (and hurts) to walk because I had a nasty (but miniscule) splinter. (Oncemore proof-reading me here, I did end up finding a hole in my foot where the splinter used to be and I tried my best to keep it atleast somewhat clean. Though I refused to stop walking around bare-footed.)

We ended up walking back to the car after, which was a massive struggle, after which we drove to the hotel I'm writing this in right now. However, it didn't go this smoothly. We got lost. There was no parking lot/parking garage at the hotel, so we were lost. And since everything was one direction traffic, we had to cross the entire old city center of an old, and decently big, dutch city by car. It was horrid. I felt even more shame. We proceeded to find out that there was a parking lot a roughly five minute walk from the hotel. Which we ended up parking in. During this walk, we saw a group of geese, which made me deeply happy. (Honestly looking back on this, and it was not all that bad. I got to see an old city in a light most people will never get to see it in, so I am glad to have gotten to experience this.)
Having finally reached the hotel, we thought all had ended well. But the hotel isn't as nice as the lobby suggests. The rooms feel like a motel, and the hallways have the vibe of a long abandoned motel with electricity running for some god forsaken reason. The bathroom is incredibly weird too, the shower was raised significantly higher than the rest of the shower. This made showering a weird experience because of the entire layout. Also there was a massive mirror facing me, which was scary.
This is where i sign up at seventeen past midnight. See you in the next post. Which I will write up after tomorrow's events. Hopefully it runs a bit more smoothly than today.

I was listening to some video essay about an artist who wrote mangas/anime/whatever about cute cats which were quite gruesome. They would go on adventures and suddenly it would end in like death or some other horrible event. The artist is called Nekojiru, I will check them out soon, so expect posts about that sometime soon. But back to the topic I wanted to talk about. In that video there was a quote from a movie, or a different art piece, or something of the sort. I do not remember who the quote is from, but it stuck with me.
"2893 People were blown to hell when a fireball hit the World Trade Center.
It was such a beautiful sight.
A beer in one hand, i was glued to the TV.
Everything's going crazy.
That's why I peep at the corpses under the rubble.
I peep at the corpses.
I peep at the corpses.
I peep at the corpses.
I peep at the corpses.
I peep at the corpses.
I peep at the corpses."
I have not a clue why this quote implanted itself into my brain like it did. I guess it is just that, out of nowhere, I was forced to think about the terrorist attacks that took place on 9/11 and all the people that died that day. And also the thought that some people are incredibly indifferent to the massive loss of life. I guess I am too sometimes. I did not experience 9/11 myself, nor a world prior to 9/11. I wonder what this quote had to do with the video though. I mainly just had it on as background noise while working on an arts project (you'll all get to see it soon) so I wonder if these thoughts will be present in the manga that Nekojiru wrote too. I will update you all on that while/after I read it. I will no continue thinking about how to make this site look better rather than constantly get distracted. Have a good one!

Well, here goes nothing. I had so many intriguing (This word is so stupid, like, why is it writen like that ???) thoughts and ideas flow through my head. do not know what inspired these thoughts. perhaps it was the socializing. Perhaps it was the wine. I do know one thing it was, though. It was a lot of fun. I thought about the movie we were watching "The Pouhkeepsie Tapes". I had never heard of it before, however, my sibling said they saw some talk about how it is an absolutely horrifying movie on tiktok and how, supposedly, it was a masterpiece in disguise. I personally would disagree. There is not much horror in it. Just plays as a documentary about a (fictional) serial killer with "found footage" playing in the background for most of it. I still thought it was pretty interesting though I neither think it was some awesome movie, nor that it was some piece of trash film not worth having watched in the first place. I doubt that I will watch it again though. Anyway, I thought a lot about the killer, and like, the way they described his every action felt like a 'how to become a mass murderer and get away with it' type of guide. Ofcourse, this guide would no longer work in the modern life because of advancements we as a society have made in like recognizing peoples DNA and such, but still. It felt kind of weird. If i had that movie and lived in the 70s, I could probably kill a bunch of people, get a cool nickname, get away with it, never get caught and just be a person weirdos on the internet simp for in the modern day. Kind of like the Zodiac killer. I did like how the movie mentioned something among the lines of that at any time in the United States there were anywhere between 10 and 25 serial killers on the loose. I found that pretty interesting.

I wish the entire world could be nuked right now. Everyone is kind of terrible and I'm just fed up with people They're all annoying to my brain right now. I'm exhausted and just the thought of people is annoying me right now. I'm so fed up with everyone and everything. I hate feeling like this but at the same time, it feels kind of good. I just wish a world ending scenario happened and everyone is too apathetic to stop it and then everyone dies. I'd kind of enjoy that I think. The end of the world, it wouldn't be all bad. I kind of believe most people are bad. I don't know if anyone here has seen the good place, but basically their system of afterlife is based as fuck and everyone goes to hell because LITERALLY no one lives a good life anymore because we all cause more harm than good no matter how hard they try. Now in the show they fix the afterlife, which I guess I sort of understand, but if you really think about it, if people actually cause more good than harm, do they not deserve to rot in hell? Are they not deserving of eternal punishment? Should they not, too, be punished forever rather than pretend to be reformed only to be fucking jackasses in heaven again? Maybe they just kicked people out of heaven who showed regression in their patterns. That would honestly be based as fuck. Imagine dying and getting reformed in the afterlife through slightly better than prison systems, only to be fucking kicked out the gates because you are not good enough? That would be funny as fuck to see. I would be so fucking bitter though. Could you become a terrorist in heaven? Because if that would happen to me, I might become inclined to. Anyhow, back to my original point, I think practically everyone deserves to rot. Basically everyone does bad stuff, unapologetically, all the time and without remorse for most of it too. And I think some of these people deserve to rot. But I also think no one deserves to decide who should and who should not rot either. Because that would basically be playing god. Deciding who dies and when they do so is too much power for any person or institution. Some groups of people will always want to kill other groups of people, and I do not want people I care about to end up on the chopping block or anything. I mean, it is not like they are in most places currently, but some people are calling for that to happen. Welp, this was kind of therapeutic. See you all again next time LOL.